Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
