we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
