I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize