Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
