Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
