im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You don't make any sense
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