I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
