I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
