I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
