I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
