he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
