if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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