My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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