I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
