How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
