If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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