i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
