Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize