My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
