ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
