At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
