I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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