dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
