Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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