I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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