our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
