I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
being pregnant is like rehab
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
