My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Is Oprah even human
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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