I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
