don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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