dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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