How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
