she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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