A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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