Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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