Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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