we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
