two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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