I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize