He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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