Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
