I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
