Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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