there's paper in my vomit.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
