i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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