Where is the hickey?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
