FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
