It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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