you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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