u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We just shotgunned beers for America
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
