There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
