someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
