I wish my penis had an off switch
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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