My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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