someone threw a dead crab at me
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
