Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My liver just had a heart attack.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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