Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Operation Purity has been aborted
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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