Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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