Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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