the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
