So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
