nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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