I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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