I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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