We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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