i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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