Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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