after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
