i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
